Instead of eating, I’ll go hungry. I’ll hold off taking a piss. I’ll not do the laundry.
And it doesn’t feel great. I mean, I have a toilet. I put it in just for pissing. And shitting too, but yeah, being able to piss was a major reason for hacking together the copper and plastic tubes that make that toilet work.
So maybe control is more valuable to me than ease. I feel like I’m just the janitor when all I do is take care of myself. But when I abstain from the things that are obviously necessary, then I feel like I am really in charge. And then I can take the time to figure out how to get through the period of discomfort I’ve found myself in.
To be rendered useless, is that my destiny? Is that where my glory lays? Will I rest when my desire to create a life full of meaning has quieted down, and I’m willing to abide my human limitations?
Or am I just void of goals?
I don’t want to be the janitor, but I’m starting to think that that’s what I am.
I’m starting to think that I’m just the guy who takes care of the human I’m inside of. And all my desires to be some fucking special case are just a waste of time. Not that that has stopped me! Ha, ha. I’m the king of wasting time!
I find that I’m curious about what you are feeling, what you are thinking – I would love to hear you explore this, or share this… Again, I also find that you truly are a beautiful, and fluid, writer. I think I will enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for sharing.